By David Martin || Satirical Columnist
LANCASTER, PA —
“I never imagined I’d run for office,” Bigley chuckled, “That all changed, though, on the evening of September 26, 2016 during the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald J. Trump—that’s when I knew I had to run.”
This past week I sat down with Republican candidate for the 96th district of Pennsylvania, Robert Bigley, in The Onion Dip’s first ever candidate profile. Bigley was formerly the Executive Director of the Trust Performing Arts Center in downtown Lancaster and an educator for twenty years, so naturally, I wondered what led him to apply for the good ol’ boys club of Pennsylvania.
[continued from above] “It was on that fateful night from which I heard a message from God through his heavenly ambassador, Donald Trump—‘Bigley,’ he said. ‘Bigley. Bigley. Bigley.’ He just kept saying it over and over again. I became overwhelmed with emotion. ‘Bigley this, Bigley that,’ every time he mentioned my name, a vibrating pulse surged through my body until it was one constant tremor. Suddenly I felt myself rising from my chair, hands trembling, I knew what I had to do. I sprinted down to City Hall and declared my intention to run for office in the 96th district. It turns out that’s not actually how you become a candidate, I did that the next day, but, nonetheless…”
“Is that a f—ing joke?” I said in utter bewilderment.
“I have never joked a day in my life” he, Bigley, responded.
I stared Bigley up and down, long and hard, knowing I needed to press him further. “Did you say that Trump was God’s amba—…”
“Oh before I forget, can you make sure to put my website ‘www.thinkbigley.com’ in your article?” he interjected, shooting me a wink.
“Think. Bigley. Dot com. You’re telling me your website is think bigley dot com?”
“Yes Dave, it is. You see, my campaign is all about thinking Bigley, as Donald Trump—and my ancestors—so aptly put it. It’s something that this country is in desperate need of—a man who can think Biglier than the rest. I will provide that to the people of Lancaster.”
“And that reminds me of another candidate who happens to be a dear friend of mine, who I know thinks Bigley, and who I would love to announce my support for. Brian Huuuge. He’s running for the 16th district, he’s a man of tremendous character, willing to—”
At that point I could take no more. I left Bigley in his office rambling to his heart’s content.
Do I regret not asking Bigley any other questions? Did I do any research before talking to him? Was this my first time doing an interview? What even is, The Onion Dip? These are all fair questions. Sadly, I don’t have the answers.
**This in no way, shape, or form represents the actual feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of candidate Robert Bigley. This is a joke.**
Senior David Martin is a satirical columnist. His email is firstname.lastname@example.org.