By David Martin || Satirical Columnist
LANCASTER, PA— Crying profusely on the way to his first class on Wednesday morning, the guilt of jokingly voting for President-elect Donald Trump finally set in for local Franklin and Marshall College student Dan Worthy. Tears erupting from his face, Dan choked out a response saying, “All the polls had Clinton way ahead… I had no idea it would… would turn out like this. I just thought it would be funny.”
Sources report that the situation became quite dire for Dan at around 11:45 p.m. on Tuesday night: “Everything was going fine. Yeah, we had lost Florida, but Wolf Blitzer was sure Virginia and Michigan were going to turn around. But then the tide began to turn in Pennsylvania. That’s when I knew I had made a terrible mistake.”
Hillary Clinton suffered a late defeat in Pennsylvania, a state the Democrats hadn’t lost since 1988, and she lost by less than 1%.
Expectedly, Dan’s friends have since abandoned him, blaming him entirely for the results of the election. Dan’s closest friend Will spoke to reporters earlier today about the issue: “Dan who? I have no idea who you’re talking about. Sounds like a complete idiot though.”
When reports came out today that Trump is considering Sarah Palin for Secretary of the Interior and Newt Gingrich for Secretary of State, it was almost too much for Dan. “They say that every vote matters, but no one really ever believed that, right? I mean how could I have known? My friend wrote-in Harambe. I mean, isn’t that worse?”
If we can take away nothing else from this, it’s clearly that millennials are by far the worst generation that America has ever seen. And considering how much my little brother talks about Call of Duty, I don’t think Generation Z will be any better.
Senior David Martin is a satirical columnist. His email is firstname.lastname@example.org.