Onion Dip: A Shakespearean quarrel breaks out in Lancaster when members of feuding dive bars hook up

By Kt Thomas || Satirical Columnist

photo courtesy of www. lh4.googleusercontent.com

What they thought would be just another Friday night at a frat, blossomed into something much more, when Romeo Beeker spotted Juliet Levine from across the sea of sweaty undergrads in the Tri-Chi basement.  It was either a divine light shining on her glistening face, or a malfunctioning fluorescent, but Beeker’s interest was piqued, and there was no going back.

After a successful “dfmo”, the two lovebirds decided they’d better leave in order to get to know each other better somewhere more intimate, so hand in hand they took to the streets en route to a dive bar. Levine’s world was shattered, however, when Beeker uttered the word, “Brendee’s?” As a seasoned Hildy’s goer, Levine was devastated, but remembering her vow to “YOLO senior year”, she begrudgingly obliged at the risk of upsetting her whole crew.

Who would have guessed that a single question could unhinge a whole town? Since their first meeting one week ago, these star-cross-faded lovers have left a wake of tragedy in their wake. Beeker’s roommate, Marc, was the first casualty, having been provoked by Levine’s sorority “Little”, Tyra, over the touchy topic.

A first-hand account of the incident reported, “It was savage. I guess Tyra heard about her “Big’s” crazy new fling and went to Brendee’s to see what was up. She probably saw the two macking by the dartboard and the next thing you know, she was dumping out a pitcher of PBR on Marc’s head! She played the, “who, me?” card though, and Marc got bounced instead of her. Such a sad way to go…” Vengeance came swiftly for Tyra, though, when Beeker called Hildy’s the following night to report her fake ID.

Mayhem such as this hasn’t been reported in Lancaster since the show Amish Mafia first exposed the local turmoil on television. We can only hope that this issue resolves itself soon, so we can all go back to chain-smoking indoors and eating our weight in wings in peace.

“For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo.” (Shakespeare 5.3)

Senior Kt Thomas is a satirical columnist. Her email is kthomas2@fandm.edu.

print

Leave a Reply