Onion Dip: Rates of Addiction Skyrocket in German Shepherds Following ‘Drug Detection Dog’ Training

By KT Thomas || Satirical Columnist

We often consider the effects drugs have on mankind, but what happens when mankind’s best friend gets hooked? For years, Detection Dogs, otherwise known as Drug-Sniffing Dogs, have been aiding our forces in the search for illicit substances and harmful contraband items. Confiscation of materials such as these is vital to the public’s safety, and this practice has been very successful, until now.

Officer Jameson of the Lancaster Police Department recently reported the unusual behavior his Detection Dog, Sergeant Waggles, was exhibiting to the precinct. Jameson stated, “It all started when he refused his dinner after a coke bust. He was acting all jittery and wouldn’t quit humping my leg. I had just gotten the pleats right on my uniform after the last bust, and now this?”

After a mere two weeks of pondering and sixteen trips to Duck Donuts, Jameson put two and two together when he concluded that the white residue on Sergeant Waggles’ nose had to be something suspicious because Duck Donuts was out of powdered donuts that day. Countless other officers have come forward, reporting agitation and dilated pupils in their German Shepherds in recent months. This new epidemic could be the result of frequent exposure to cocaine in order to condition the animals’ nose to pick out the scent, and may be much more widespread than anyone could have anticipated.

Luckily, Franklin & Marshall College will be holding a philanthropic fundraiser to spread awareness for this cause next semester, with the slogan, “Let’s make butts the only thing these boys sniff.”

Senior Kt Thomas is a satirical columnist. Her email is kthomas2@fandm.edu.

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