By Kt Thomas || Satirical Columnist
Every year it’s the same; you get out of bed at an unreasonable hour to appease your screaming parents, throw on the cleanest pair of rusty red pants you can find to avoid grandma’s nagging, and pile into the car where you might be lucky enough to get 30 more minutes of sleep. Once you walk through the door to your uncle’s house, though, you realize that working in the Vivarium to observe and question the behavior of monkeys may have actually affected you once you start to notice a few things about this holiday you had never really questioned-
1. Rainbow Jell-o Mold: What’s white, red, and green with an unmistakable jiggle and a whole lot of seepage that no one could have possibly requested again this year? Thanks, grandma.
2. Inviting “Aunt” Barb and “Uncle” Jeff every year: Literally WHO are they? I know we always refer to them as family, but I know for a FACT I’ve never actually seen them in a photo album, or heard them talk for that matter. In all honesty, Jeff just spends most of the night grunting in accordance with anything politically controversial, and Barb hovers around the dessert table, eyes fixed on her “infamous apple cake” no one ever touches. Can someone produce a birth certificate, stat?
3. The Kids’ Table: I get it. It was cool back when all the adults needed a place to discuss whether my little brother needed therapy or not for drawing only weapons in pre-school art class, but c’mon! We’re all over 19 years old now, and he can totally sense your fear from the other room anyway.
4. “What Are You Thankful For?” Chain: It’s a nice thought in theory; going around the table and contributing something or someone you’re thankful for, but somehow it’s ruined by cousin Suzy counting the dollar bills in her wallet and laying them out in stacks on the table, so she can be better prepared to Black Friday shop tomorrow morning. Oh, she’s thankful she accidentally slept with the manager of Macy’s in college? Shocker.
Senior Kt Thomas is a satrical columnist. Her email is firstname.lastname@example.org.