The Onion Dip: Silent Protest Quelled with Water Balloons Thrown from Old Main

KT Thomas || satirical Columnist

Some say it was the overcast, chilly day. Others blame the stress of making it to class on time. But, inside sources state that the silent protest, known as “Take Back Our Campus” was halted early on Tuesday by the faculty’s own immature acts. With its growing traction on Facebook in the prior weeks, “Take Back Our Campus” was deemed to be the biggest campus demonstration since 2006, when students rose up against the administration to protest the squirrel infestation on Hartman. However, when the clock struck 11:35am and the first bright blue water balloon hit the pavement, students were seen fleeing from the towering Old Main in a panic.

One of our reporters strategically got a quote from a faculty member said to be at the site.

“It was quiet. Eerily quiet for a Tuesday during passing time, so I looked out my window from Old Main, and low and behold… a protest! Now, you can understand my shock, and as a veteran I did what any sane person would do and started filling up the excess balloons from that ‘100 Days Until Graduation’ party with water, cold coffee, and whatever liquid I could find in the break room fridge. The rest of the staff was quick to help when they saw an opportunity to silence some students.”

What followed was a deluge of multicolored orbs, exploding and splashing students left and right. Fully drenched and even more confused, students swiftly departed the scene, muttering all the while about such an inappropriate response to the seemingly rational request for better campus safety.

Retaliation from the students was swift, however, coming in the form of a large shipment of whoopee cushions strategically placed in Old Main and in various faculty offices around campus. When asked about the rationale, the student organizer responded, “We’ve tried meetings, we’ve tried protesting, but I guess silence isn’t going to work, so maybe they’ll listen to this.”

Senior Kt Thomas is a satirical columnist. Her email is kthomas@fandm.edu.

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