By Kyle Huntzberry & David Martin || Satirical Columnists
LANCASTER — Franklin & Marshall College, who is at the forefront of the need-based aid trend, caused a stir in the academic world on Tuesday with the announcement of its decision to replace its public safety officers with guard llamas beginning in the 2018-2019 academic year. Adam Jones, a dean at the College, said, “We kept reading about these guard llamas in academic journals and how they are able to develop close-knit bonds with their patrons and protect them from coyotes, foxes, you name it. That’s when it hit us. We can keep the students safe, while also not paying the llamas any wages.”
In order to keep increasing financial aid, Franklin & Marshall has had to make many cuts to the budget, and public safety officers are the latest to be axed. The announcement has created a buzz amongst other workers on campus, with many fearing that llamas could also take their jobs.
Reports have it that the Facilities & Operations Grounds Crew has become quite worried that the llamas will not only be effective public safety officers, but also landscapers: “Have you ever seen a llama graze? It’s majestic. Plus, with the price of gas these days, our lawn mower can’t compete with that.” It is also being reported that Shadek-Fackenthal Library is considering replacing its stress dogs with stress llamas.
When asked to comment on the story, student Tyler Johnson replied, “Dude, I f— with llamas. They’re dope.” A faculty committee has planned a forum surrounding the issue for next Thursday. The hope is that the two sides will be equally represented.
Stuart Williams, a History professor and staunch supporter of no llamas on campus, said, “NAFTA has taken our jobs, robots have taken our jobs. Who would’ve f—in’ thought llamas would take our jobs?”
Columnist’s Note: Effective Saturday, Stuart Williams has been suspended indefinitely for his comments.
Seniors Kyle Huntzberry and David Martin are satirical columnists. Huntzberry’s email firstname.lastname@example.org and Martin’s email is email@example.com.