By Samantha Milowitz || Op-Eds Editor
Hi there! Are you an incoming senior in college? Having a good time, cruising along; you’ve made your friends, you see the light at the end of the tunnel… You’re excited to finally be of age, go out to new places, have new experiences, YOLO the crap out of your last year?
Well, what if I told you that all that could possibly change? What if I told you that a world-wide pandemic was coming and threatening to disrupt all those plans?
No, no. Don’t panic. You simply need the, In the Event of a Pandemic Survival Pack!
Your survival pack will include things like:
- A lifetime supply of banana bread!
- A six-foot-long pole!
- Amazon gift cards!
- An adult coloring book!
- A DVD of the movie “Contagion”!
- Photos of you and your friends from the past that make you depressed!
- That water bottle that forces you to drink obscene amounts of H2O and has motivational phrases on it!
- “What I eat in a day” videos!
- And more!
Your survival pack will also include a guide developed by professionals that will take you through the unprecedented (even though people definitely warned you about it) Pandemic. The survival guide will answer your most concerning questions like:
- Do I have to wash my groceries after I buy them?
- What’s a pod?
- How many people can I have in a pod before my pod is no longer a pod?
- Do masks actually work?
- Wait, so I can’t go to St. Barths?
- Is this actually happening?
- If I manifest that my life is still normal will it go back to normal?
- Should I probably make a food account on Instagram now?
- Is talking to my stuffed-animals at age 22 normal?
- Will I ever find love?
- Am I losing my mind?
- Am I stuck in a never-ending apocalyptic time period that I’ll never be able to escape no matter how hard I try?
- How much is too much time to spend with your parents??
And we’ve got answers for you, specifically targeted towards college seniors. For instance, our most popular question was:
How can I hang out with my friends in a safe way?
So we gathered some things that are still possible to do in a pandemic! Cause there are things to do! Like:
- Take long walks like your senior citizens living in Florida!
Sit six feet apart in a deserted, wet field!
- Drive your car next to your other friend driving their car!
Yell out your window at your friend!
- Call them on the ancient telephone!
- Shout at them through your adjoining walls!
- Netflix Party!
- Do a PopSugar workout video over Zoom!
Oh, what’s Zoom? Great question! You don’t know Zoom yet, but soon it’ll become an integral part of your everyday life. You’ll think to yourself, “Has this always been in the world and we just all figured that out now?” You can do everything you could do in normal life on zoom like:
- Go to class!
- Go on dates!
- Get married!
- Attend Bar Mitzvahs!
- Attend birthday parties!
- Cry some more!
- Go to concerts!
You’ll be able to do all the same things you used to do but it’ll just look a little differently! Instead of walking to class with your best friends, you’ll walk to class alone wearing an N-95! Instead of sitting in the library with your friends, you’ll sit alone! You’ll have all the same things you would have your senior year! Instead of a big, fancy graduation, you’ll have your own private graduation! OoOoOoo fancy! And the best part is that online classes will cost the same as in-person classes! Because, there really is no difference, right?
The survival pack will make sure those unprecedented times are precedent-ed! So you can go about your senior year with no concerns whatsoever! (Except the world-wide pandemic that you can’t control). Other than that, you are chilling!
Always be prepared with the In the Event of a Pandemic Survival Pack!
Visit www.intheeventofapandemic.org or call us at 911-911-9111.
If you call in the next three hours, you can get this ENTIRE PACK for only $2,500!
(Packs do not come with vaccines or Covid-19 tests of any sort).
Senior Samantha Milowitz is the Op-Eds Editor. Her email is firstname.lastname@example.org.