By Diana Lichtenstein || Onion Dip Columnist
Who is a “townie” exactly? Well, Urban Dictionary defines a townie as, “a person living in the community who does not attend or work for the college or university.” In this piece, “townie” will refer to just that: a person who lives in Lancaster yet has no relation to F&M. Many people from F&M call themselves townies merely because they are from the city of Lancaster, but that is not the definition I shall apply. Additionally, a few of my closest friends are dating people who they would call “townies,” but they are just students who grew up in the local area. I encourage everyone to romantically target the “real townies,” but if you can only find the F&M townies, I can accept it.
I believe that everyone should start targeting Lancaster townies because: a) there are slim pickings right now, in my opinion, and b) it could be a great cultural experience for all of us.
I have compiled a list of reasons as to why you should all go for these eligible bachelors:
- Free Tractor rides to class!
No need to walk to LSP when you can have your man give you tractor door-to-door service. And if the tractor is out of gas, you can just horse-back ride all the way to campus.
- No competition!
These townies will be obscure—not part of the F&M social scene—and hence will not be fought over nor the talk of the town.
- A free Lancaster tour guide!
As students at F&M, of course, we generally know about Lancaster. But we know the superficial things, like where Oola Bowls or the nearest Starbucks is. Most of us, including myself, lack the real culture. These suitors will be sure to bring you to a cow farm, a dirt road, and a different cow farm!
- Farm-to-table food!
This townie scenario takes “farm-to-table” to a whole new level. I love roast chicken. With the presumed chickens on the farm, I will have as much roast chicken as I could ever imagine.
- They have pre-established connections!
Are you starting to fall in love with your townie? Do you want your friends to have the same happiness? Most townies have townie friends that would be more than happy to help their buddies out by setting up your friends.
- A lifetime supply of flannels and cowboy boots!
Slowly, but surely, you will grow to appreciate the simple fashion staples that are cowboy boots and flannels.
Because of these reasons and many more, I encourage you to stop dating f&m boys and go for these real townies.
Junior Diana Lichtenstein is an Onion-Dip columnist. Her email is firstname.lastname@example.org.