By: Anonymous

We have some nice things on this campus — and for the amount you’re paying in tuition, you might feel entitled to “repossess” certain items you come across.  If you’re the type of person that sees a stray traffic cone and thinks, “that would look great in my Crow apartment,” then this article is for you. Because while we must acknowledge that light thievery is rather inevitable on a college campus, we must all abide by a certain social contract: what you definitely cannot steal from F&M.

Silverware from the dining hall: you shouldn’t steal this, but like, I get it. You’re lacking spoons in your kitchen, and it’s super easy to slip one of those suckers into your pocket and walk out. They won’t notice, they have plenty more to go around, and as long as you aren’t stealing by the dozen, they can afford to replace them. 

The Ben & John “please wear your mask” yard signs circa 2020: I can see how these could be stealable. In fact, I’m almost certain that every one of those signs that was at one point stuck in the ground is now hanging on a wall in the lofts. Those signs were ridiculous and they serve as a memento of a historic era. They’re also paper, relatively inexpensive, and did not serve as a super necessary piece of campus infrastructure. I’m actually jealous of you if you have one in your possession.

Adirondack chairs or CC furniture: you cannot steal this. I feel like I shouldn’t have to spell this out. People use these often, they make the campus look more attractive, they’re expensive, and it WILL be noticeable when they start going missing.  You don’t need an Adirondack chair in your West James backyard. Leave it on Hartman.

The Diplomats Forever & Alumni banners: you absolutely cannot and should not steal these.  It’s the definition of “this is why we can’t have nice things.”  First, they’re expensive. They also make our campus look more attractive and highlight alumni that not only have accomplished careers but also have cared enough to give back to F&M. Furthermore, it’s really obvious when the lampposts become suddenly barren, adorned only with naked metal rods sticking out from the sides. These banners are not cheap signs or cute little mementos for your wall — they’re high-quality campus decorations that are additive to our campus. I get it, you find it thrilling to drunkenly steal something on your evening stroll home — but stop. 

Of course, this is satire. You should obviously not steal anything from F&M — stealing is wrong. At the end of the day, if a bunch of silverware goes missing from the Dining Hall, someone has to pay for it — and that will end up being students! But seriously, stop stealing nice things that are noticeable once they go missing. You’re being foolish. If you really feel like you have to, stick to D-Hall silverware or paper signs. 

If you have possession of or information regarding a missing “Diplomats Forever” banner, you may anonymously return it to The Office of Advancement in College Square or to a member of the Diplomatic Congress.