The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
My fellow Americans, it’s high time we manifest our destiny by returning to the noblest pursuit our republic was founded on: invading Canada. For far too long, Canada has oppressed global markets with its unrelenting monopoly on maple syrup!
Those Canucks might’ve beaten us back in 1785 and 1812, but today they stand alone. Defended only by Justin Bieber and their overt politeness, we’re bringing the fight up north!
Sure, they might be our “closest ally,” but George Washington said alliances were stupid anyway. Plus, what have they ever done for us except fight in both World Wars?
It’ll be a cakewalk. What are they gonna do? Call the United Nations? We have veto power, silly Canada. The war would be over in no time. We’ll just conscript every person in West Virginia and we’ll be partying in Toronto within 24 hours.
Why must we invade Canada? Well, it’s as clear as maple syrup on a snowbank! To liberate them from the oppressive tyranny of affordable healthcare and the cruel fate of speaking French!
I can hardly imagine the pain of answering “oui oui” to “would you like medical treatment?”
Die like an American, you French coward!
Once we liberate Canada, there will be plenty of changes.
- Anyone caught speaking French will be exiled to Louisiana
- British Columbia is hereby renamed ‘Big Oregon’
- We’re putting Justin Trudeau in a glass cage and charging people $5 to point and laugh
- All statues of Queen Elizabeth II are hereby declared “George Washington in a wig”
- And Aunt Jemimah will flow, free from the hands of greedy Canada!
As you can see, the benefits are numerous. Who needs poutine when you can eat freedom fries?
This mission to rescue the Great White North may cause some minor ‘international controversy,’ but that’s a price we must pay to save Canada from barbaric foreign influence.
Yippee ki-yay! We’re the world’s policeman, and we’re turning our body cam off!
For our next heroic mission to protect international order, I recommend commandeering Iceland and renaming it ‘Joe Biden’s Arctic Wonderland.’
Until next time–and there will be a next time, knowing Congress–keep those unregistered firearms locked and loaded, America!
Freshman Richie Dockery is a Staff Writer. His email is email@example.com.
Image courtesy of Chandler Cruttenden via Unsplash