By Diana Lichtenstein || Satirical Columnist

Photo Courtesy of the Daily Tar Heel.

If you aren’t sitting down, please do, for I have some frightening news. According to Google, the cuffing season starts in October and ends in February. Unfortunately, F&M is sending students home starting before Thanksgiving and through February. This means that we will be missing the prime months of looking for a mate. In other words, I urge everyone to get on it. As my roommate says, “monogamy is on the rise”, and I think she may be onto something. 

I mean, if you think about it, wild college nights are temporarily on hold as people are looking for stability amidst the chaos of COVID-19. Because of this, everyone seems to be coupled up lately. This is not just my opinion. It’s the campus consensus. The sampling pool is decreasing, and some students are even resorting to copious amounts of quick adds per weekend on Snapchat just to feel alive again. One friend even said to me, “No, like straight up, I will give anyone 20 dollars if they can find me a guy.” F&M is small. You can’t exactly find romance via Zoom. Many people also chose to go remote this semester. So, if you are having trouble, it’s not you. It’s the situation at hand. 

The bottom line is that it isn’t too late to start making moves. I’m declaring this semester “Set-up Season,” so ask friends, or go back to someone familiar. “Randos” are so last year. Obviously, the lucky ones are those that were “talking” in March before we were sent home. If their bond was strong enough, they became official over quarantine. The next best scenario would be snatching someone up soon because Thanksgiving isn’t close, but isn’t far either. If you can pull that off, you’ll be cuffed right in time for J-Term. 

Junior Diana Lichtenstein is the Onion Dip Columnist. Her email is