“Oh, f- – – it. I have a horrible feeling that I am a greedy, perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved, morally bankrupt woman who can’t even call herself a feminist.”
This famous line comes from “Fleabag”, Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s acclaimed one-woman show, which marks its 10th anniversary on July 21. First released in 2016, it features a woman navigating grief through the messiest and most contradictory realities of life – including a family that has complex relationships with one another, friendships that haunt her and love that hurts and heals at the same time.
The irony of this confession becomes the fact that “Fleabag” does not assert that “she is” all the above, but merely “has a feeling” that she is. On top of that, she is struggling to forget her dead best friend because she hurt her as much as she loved her and became the reason for her death. She believes all these internalized features of sexual desire, shame, guilt, greed, etc. invalidate her from actually being a feminist, but these struggles are what exactly turns her into a feminist.
Fleabag doesn’t even have a name in the show, yet her character resonates with most women. From her calm days to chaotic situations, the audience can reflect not only on Fleabag’s flaws, but also on the difficult reality she finds herself in, as she struggles to gain control. One of the eye-opening and funny moments comes when “Fleabag” and Claire reluctantly visit a women-only silent retreat. Fleabag hears the word slut and immediately and loudly responds “Yes?” She acknowledges that a patriarchal system’s attitude towards her lifestyle would be labeled as “a slut.” Instead of rejecting the insult, she recognizes that it is such a socially constructed way of calling out and policing female sexuality. On the other hand, while being sexually liberated, Fleabag passes through the phases of immense guilt and vulnerability. In a single therapy session (which was a birthday gift from her father), she claims that “…I spend most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart…” where we get utterly exposed to her mental and emotional vulnerability.
Most of us can admit that she uses humor as a coping mechanism, especially as she breaks the fourth wall, which eventually takes us to the moment in Season 2 when only the “hot priest” (played by Andrew Scott) was able to notice her “disappearing.” She has so many experiences with men, detaching herself from them quickly, until she realizes that she needs validation when the fear of loneliness visits. As she refuses emotional attachment by decentering herself from the men she has had affairs with, she finds herself reflecting on an even more vulnerable state – exposing complicated stages of loneliness she’s going through. Claiming that she wouldn’t be that much of a feminist if she had bigger tits is another way of displaying how the values are embedded in the patriarchy.
“Fleabag” has even gone through the stages of poverty, as her cafe couldn’t provide her financial stability. Her encounter with the bank manager, who gives her a chance by approving a loan, saves her business and makes it thrive. Being financially independent is another way of owning her own destiny as a woman in her 30s living in London. In contrast to her, her sister, Claire, was high-achieving and economically better off. Her success meant that she no longer needed to be dependent upon her sister or her dad, but it sometimes did not enable her to mask her loneliness, as she struggled with such feelings after her best friend committed suicide, leaving her to feel haunted with guilt inside that cafe.
Having an immensely complicated relationship with her family, especially with her father who was never emotionally available but had his version of caring for her (even though not necessarily well articulated by him and sometimes questioned – i.e buying feminist lecture tickets for them, making appointments with a doctor for breast check-ins, etc), led us think how her family dynamics change Fleabag’s opinion about her family, which seems equally to blame throughout. “I think you know how to love better than any of us. That’s why you find it all so painful,” says “Fleabag”’s dad, recognizing the stubbornness and the confidence which makes her struggle even harsher.
Only having an incomplete vision for what she wants, being a raw version of herself and being the “bad feminist,” Fleabag demonstrates her ongoing battle as an example of liberation instead through failure and self-sabotage. Even someone who has never watched the entirety of “Fleabag” associates it with certain scenes, like “It’ll pass” or “the fox scene.” Love becomes the last stage of grief where it is not permanent but she shows the beauty of it. Finding love suggests that her grief could coexist with love even when the priest chose religion over her; while it mentally destroys her, she’s open to encountering it to its fullest. She is a yearner who is the most humanist version of herself since women are often expected to hide their sexuality and desires and often leave things unexpressed when it comes to love.
Some criticism from The Guardian called “Fleabag” only for “posh girls” – as they considered Phoebe’s remarkable privilege. Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s highly privileged background serves this masterpiece which will stay with us forever. Her usage of privilege only transforms the whole show into a wonderful masterpiece and explores crucial facets of human life that aren’t talked a lot about in the media. Her famous quote from the Vogue interview says, “We write to taste life twice,” and the writing of “Fleabag” at one point shows us how so. Fleabag’s bad feminism is the refusal to be perfect. She is sometimes loud, unapologetic and avoidant, which challenges the expectation for women to be likable, societally exemplary and sociable in general. Nevertheless, her refusal to conform never makes her indifferent; she never stops caring about her sister and the ones she loves. It’s more than simply a way of existing – and Phoebe depicts it all too well.
Happy 10th anniversary of “Fleabag.”
Junior Mariam Petrosyan is a Contributing Writer. Her email is mpetrosy@fandm.edu.