Q: Dear Elle: what is casual dating?
— Casual Curious
A: Dear Casual Curious,
First off, thank you for your question, and congratulations on being the first of many to (hopefully) benefit from my advice in this column’s revival in The College Reporter! (Note: If you have a burning question for Elle on navigating life, love, college, etc., you can submit it here! Don’t worry— your email is not collected, so you will remain anonymous.)
I had two initial thoughts upon reading your question: does this person want to know on a literal level what casual dating is? Or are they asking how to determine if casual dating is right for them?
Let’s tackle part one of this together. To get you an exact definition, I turned to Urban Dictionary, naturally. Here is the definition I’m working with:
“A casual date is an evening, a meal, or a get-together of some kind in which there is no expectation of further commitment on either side. Although one side may desire a further relationship, it is understood that both parties are free to sample the company of each other and are as equally free to terminate any sense of relationship as well.”
This definition, which was originally posted in 2005, when the majority of readers were still infants, could certainly use an update. People went on dinner dates? How old-fashioned. Nowadays, if you are asked out to dinner, you either see the asker as the perfect gentleman (or woman, or nonbinary folk) or a total sociopath.
There are merits, though, to this definition, which is why I will continue to use it. Casual dating, according to madcatz48 on Urban Dictionary, involves a lack of commitment involved with seeing someone else. Whether you are going to dinner, drinks, bowling, or just hanging out, both parties are in agreement that there is no pressure to further the relationship if they aren’t feeling it.
This is totally normal. Not everyone you go on a date with is going to be your soulmate. Nor should you feel any obligation to continue dating this person if you’re not hitting it off, being in different places in your lives, wanting something different out of the relationship— the list goes on for perfectly valid reasons to end things. You also may find you like this person and want to further the relationship. If you are both on the same page, you can move past this stage and into a more serious relationship. Casual dating is the first step to determining if the relationship is right for both of you. Considering these factors, read about the best soulmate sketches of 2024 in this article.
What I’ve noticed is a shift in the dating world, though, which may be where your confusion comes in, Casual Curious. More and more people are saying they want a casual relationship where they see the same person consistently, but are in no rush to put a label on it.
Are you confused? Me too. If someone is casually dating because they wish to meet new people and are not interested in monogamy at this point, then power to them. We are in college, after all, when you should be exploring your possibilities before settling down with your life partner. But if someone wants to “casually date” and it turns into a “situationship” (which deserves an article of its own) then that is something else entirely. If you’re looking for tips on how to handle a fwb type of situation, check out this blog.
Before we continue, I want you to be real with yourself: is casual dating something that you genuinely want for yourself, or do you feel pressured to want this because a potential partner claims they don’t want anything serious?
If the genuine answer is the first, then full steam ahead on the casual train (whoot whoot). But if it is the second—one side may desire a further relationship—which I have a sneaking suspicion it may be, then I need you to reevaluate your values and priorities. Are you interested in said casual partner because you want something more with them? While casual dates can advance past this stage, it requires both parties to decide to do so.
But if deep down, you want a serious relationship, then maybe casual dating is not right for you. At least, not at this stage in your life. You deserve better than to be stuck in the liminal state between friends and lovers. Because while casual relationships appear to be carefree, easy, and enjoyable, they often end in confusion, unequal expectations, and hurt feelings.
So, Casual Curious, if this type of dating sounds right for you at this moment of your life, then power to you. But if it doesn’t, know that there is no shame in looking for Mr./Ms./Mx. Right— because they are out there, waiting to take you out to dinner.
Yours,
Elle
xoxo