Contributing Writer

Congratulations, guys. Men now have all the guidelines for attracting women, except maybe the billionaire status and model-worthy good looks (sorry, there is just nothing the author can do for you there). But, E.L. James has tried her best to help men everywhere by creating an album for her bestselling book, Fifty Shades of Grey. Every song has been handpicked by James to coincide with the entire trilogy.

Yet, after listening to the album I would suggest that unless you want to party like its 1787, never play this compilation while trying to get it on. While Christian Grey playing classical pieces in the novel is sexy, I am almost positive he is the only person that can still seduce girls that way.

If you are a lover of classical music, however, this album is your bread and butter. Filled with composers such as Bach, Chopin, and Verdi, it covers all the bases.

Some of the songs are classics like “Canon in D” (spoiler: because Christian and Anastasia eventually get married in the third book),  the “Aria from Goldberg Variations,” and the “Fantasia on a Theme” by Thomas Tallis.

Tallis is actually a favorite of Christian Grey, just in case any classical music lovers are not in love with him yet. However, if you are the typical college student who loves his or her rap and pop music, you will most likely hate this album.

While some of these pieces actually appear in the novels, they are usually only when Christian is broodingly playing the piano to cope with his life. Only in one sexual encounter does he actually use one of Bach’s pieces to seduce the innocent Anastasia Steele.

I have to say he must be amazing in bed to have achieved this because after listening to one of Bach’s pieces on the album, I would have sooner fallen asleep than had mind-blowing sex.

James has been quoted as saying that this is music to make love to, but somehow the violin concerto does not quite tickle my libido. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think it will tickle yours either.

The most disappointing aspect of the entire concept is that there are so many great songs and artists dropped throughout the trilogy that would make a great album. You could have easily read the novels while listening to the songs of Snow Patrol, Nelly Furtado, Eva Cassidy, and even Beyoncé.  

I would rather listen to Gilbert Gottfried reading his rendition of Fifty Shades while having sex than this album. If you haven’t heard Gottfried’s rendition yet, you should because it’s hilarious, just imagine Iago from Aladdin narrating erotic scenes and you will get a pretty good picture.

I personally cannot imagine how the author of Fifty Shades wrote her famously kinky sex scenes to the piano concerto “No.2 in C Minor,” but somehow it still became an incredibly successful, erotic trilogy. If you are sincerely looking for tips on how to please women, I suggest you read the books, but ix nay on the album.

Sarah Ratner ’14, has never read the books, but is well aware of their overall themes. “Maybe the frats should play some classical music, change things up, see if it works,” Ratner said.

All I can say in response to this comment is that the day classical music starts seducing women is the day I no longer know anything about the female sex and the day I stop going to frats. Let’s hope that day never comes.

Questions? Email Hannah at

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