The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
If you’re like me and you just started living in Thomas Hall this year, this place is wildly nicer than Bonchek or Brooks. The walls don’t have white painted bricks that make it feel like a prison, so that’s a first. I’d like to share a few pros and cons of my living experience so far, and hopefully, it will convince F&M students that Thomas is where everyone should live.
For one, there’s extra security in the side doors facing LSP. You have to scan your student ID twice to get into the building: convenient, right? And if you leave the second door open for too long, it beeps at you for 30 seconds and wakes up the entire first floor just to let everyone know that you came in the door. So fear not, the beeps will save you from not getting into the building. Though I live on the first floor, the elevator has got to be one of F&M’s finest. It fits three whole people and has nice dim restaurant lighting, if you’re into that. One of my favorite parts of the elevator ride is when it bounces up and down before it gets to the third floor—truly so exhilarating!
The bathrooms!!! So great! You get your own shower and the doors lock! It’s so nice when you walk into a stall and there’s pee all over the seat because men don’t know how to lift up toilet seats at the age of 20 (cooties!!!). I also love when it’s a Sunday and the bathrooms have been abused because F&M students love to go out on the weekends. Crumbs and shards of toilet paper make for a great snack for some people, but not me. I think the Thomas mice probably like it though?
That brings me to my last and probably most important part of living in Thomas. We all have pet mice! For the first couple of weeks of the semester, the mice were chilling out in my room on the first floor and with our neighbors too. I have spent multiple nights sleeping with a mouse under my bed, and I even saw it run under there once. But I guess there’s a family of them? They traveled all the way from the first floor to the third floor in just a week, but the third-floor residents don’t seem to like them very much. I still don’t know if the mice use the stairs like normal human beings or if they scurry through the vents that are in every single room in the building. People have been using peppermint spray to keep them away, but personally, if I were a mouse I’d stick around a little longer because it smells so good.
I hope that I convinced you that you should definitely live in Thomas next year because we all have pets and share bathrooms and it’s so great!!!
Sophomore Claire Book is a contributing writer. Her email is email@example.com.