The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.

5 Things You Should Definitely Do When You See A Tour on Campus

It’s another beautiful, sunny fall day at F&M when suddenly you see something out of the ordinary. What could that group of strange-looking people be? Aha! It’s a tour! “Wow,” you think, “that was me once. Funny how times have changed. I wonder what vibe they’re getting from campus? Or what vibe they’re getting from me?” Of course, you want to give them a good first impression, and luckily there are some easy ways to do just that!

Here’s a perfect guide to exactly what you should do when you see a group of prospective students and their parents come by:

  1. Talk loudly about how much you hate college.

Man, can you even believe what Professor So-and-So assigned us for homework? Bro, he doesn’t even wear shoes in class! DHall sucks again today! Everything here sucks! I hate this! I’m having a mental breakdown and nobody cares! I should’ve never paid F&M all my money just for this!

  1. Run them over with your bike

Who cares about pedestrian safety when you’ve got a class to get to? What you’re really doing is protesting the lack of safe bike infrastructure in Lancaster City at large. Sometimes you gotta run someone off the road to prove your point. You definitely have the right-of-way in this situation.

  1. Start screaming

And keep screaming until someone calls PSafe on you. Obviously, it’s to show the quick and efficient responses to very pressing matters by our own police force to the families. How can their child feel safe on campus if nobody is dealing with unhinged people such as yourself?

  1. Offer to take over leading the tour

Do those tour guides get paid by the school? Now’s your chance to make up for those lost work-study hours! Go up to them and tell them they’ve been relieved of their job. What? They don’t agree? Then use force if you have to!

  1. Point and laugh at them

“Look at these losers!” you’ll say. “I can’t believe they are wasting a perfectly good day doing a college tour!” Bonus points if you record it and then continuously cyberbully them too! You gotta bring President Altmann too to represent our truly diplomatic institution. Now everybody is laughing at them; nice!

Now, without a doubt, you have become equipped with the tools needed to properly welcome a tour group to campus. Now go forth and spread the good word about the F&M experience to everyone you see!

Freshman Kai Schwartz is a contributing writer. Their email is