The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
After Matt Gaetz’s (R-Fla.) motion to vacate led to the House of Representatives narrowly voting to oust Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) from the speakership, many are wondering who can cobble together enough votes to unite a fractured lower chamber and capture the speaker’s gavel. With that in mind, The College Reporter has sprung into action. Much like the 35-year-old man based in Mumbai to whom you outsource your essays, we did the hard work for you and have laid out the people who could be the next speaker of the United States House of Representatives.
Steve Scalise – House Majority Leader Steve “David Duke without the baggage” Scalise (R-La.) was the initial GOP (Republican) nominee for speaker of the House. However, once it became clear that Scalise lacked the necessary 217 votes to become speaker, he proceeded to end his life by ritual Japanese seppuku.
Jim Jordan – Rep. Jordan (R-Ohio), who wields the endorsement of former President Donald Trump and your crazy uncle Gary, became the second Republican nominee for House speaker after winning a duel to the death with Rep. Austin Scott (R-Ga.). Jordan will now hope he can do a better job at soliciting votes than he could convince the former Ohio State wrestlers he coached to stay quiet about sexual abuse by a team doctor. Democrats will be pleased that Jordan refused to say if the 2020 election was legitimate, an improvement from the prior Republican position that Joe Biden received exactly seven votes in 2020, all from obnoxious blue-haired lesbians with nose rings.
Patrick McHenry – Rep. McHenry (R-N.C.) peaked in life when he was temporarily appointed speaker pro tempore following the removal of Kevin McCarthy from the speaker’s office. Unfortunately, the rest of the bowtie-sporting policy-wonk’s time on Earth will inevitably be a disappointment once his short-lived fame fizzles out and he returns to irrelevance.
Elise Stefanik – Stenafik (R-N.Y.) has been mentioned as a contender for House speaker. As Chair of the House Republican Conference, she is the fourth-in-command in the House GOP. Stefanik became Conference Chair in 2021 after House Republicans ordered her predecessor, then-Rep. Liz Cheney (R-Wyo.), to be executed by guillotine for refusing to acknowledge the divinity of his holiness, Donald J. Trump.
Hunter Biden – The President’s son is a fan of the Second Amendment, has a history of shady dealings in Eastern Europe, and faces multiple felony charges, much like his father’s predecessor. Whether these similarities can endear him to the House GOP remains to be seen.
Matt Gaetz – It would be fitting for the most hated man in the Republican Conference to lead the most unpopular institution in America. Congressional insiders have reported that some House Republicans are keen to nominate Gaetz for the speakership. They seek to punish Gaetz for his rebellion by forcing him to lead a cohort of insane politicians hell-bent on doing anything but governing.
Dianne Feinstein – The trailblazing California Senator sadly passed on September 29th, but appointing her corpse speaker would cause Congress to get just as much done as before.
Byron Donalds – The token African-American in the Republican Conference, Rep. Donalds (R-Fla.) was seen as an alternative to McCarthy in this past January’s speaker election. However, there are concerns that electing Donalds could endanger the Floridian since putting a Black man before a room full of gun-carrying Republicans is never a good idea.
Nancy Pelosi – Pelosi (D-Calif.) previously served as speaker from 2007 to 2011 and 2019 to 2023. At the start of this year, she handed her position as the top House Democrat to Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-N.Y.). Yet at a youthful 83, nominating Pelosi would send a strong message that Democrats are committed to embracing the next generation of Silent Generation politicians.
Marjorie Taylor Greene – The Republican firebrand Greene (R-Ga.) is technically a moderate now since she voted against removing Kevin McCarthy. The Blue Dogs are surely drooling at the thought of her as a compromise candidate.
Tim Burchett – Rep. Burchett (R-Tenn.) voted to oust Kevin McCarthy from the speakership after McCarthy allegedly mocked him for turning to prayer to help make a decision. Burchett will need to do a lot more praying if he wants to win the speaker’s gavel.
Donald Trump – Since the speaker does not have to be a member of the House, the 45th President and 2024 Republican frontrunner is technically eligible for the position. In fact, multiple House Republicans have encouraged him to run for the post. However, the financial toll of Trump’s ongoing legal troubles brings into question whether he can afford the roughly $40 cost of gas needed for a trip from New York to Washington.
Travis Kelce – Naming as speaker the star Kansas City Chiefs tight end, who has been in the spotlight amid his relationship with Taylor Swift, would cause Americans to actually care about what’s happening in Congress for a change.
Joe Manchin – Despite serving in the Senate, the West Virginia Democrat could be a compromise candidate if the House fails to coalesce around anyone. Unfortunately, his new occupation would cut into the time he currently devotes to daily orgies with fossil fuel executives.
Scrooge McDuck – The anthropomorphic duck Scrooge McDuck (R-Calif.) has thrown his hat into the speakership race. McDuck pledged to champion GOP policy goals like giving every billionaire a gold coin-filled swimming pool and enshrining Americans’ right to rough up any homeless person they encounter.
Chat GPT – Is it time to accept humanity’s fate and embrace our AI overlords?
Vivek Ramaswamy – The 2024 Republican Presidential hopeful and Trump bootlicker has made a name for himself extolling the virtues of anthropogenic climate change and calling for the disenfranchisement of Americans under 25. Serving as House speaker would be a valuable stepping stone to the Trump vice-presidency Ramaswamy dreams of. (See also Chat GPT)
RFK Jr. – Naming the 35th President’s nephew as speaker would prompt Congress to get to the bottom of the issues that matter, like Dr. Fauci’s crimes against humanity, the link between vaccines and autism, something about the Jews, and how Wi-Fi causes “leaky brain.”
Lloyd Smucker – The odds of Lancaster County’s congressman becoming speaker are about as likely as Smucker (R-Pa.) listening to the concerns of his constituents in the city of Lancaster.
Senior Josh Dratler is a Staff Writer. His email is firstname.lastname@example.org.