The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
I got the chance to visit New York City a couple weekends ago and I was very saddened to discover that none of the buildings or fixtures were decorated for the holiday season. No lights, no music, no trees, no nothing. I checked my calendar to make sure I wasn’t wrong, but nope, it was literally November 12th. HALFWAY through the month of November and NOBODY has any holiday spirit? Where is the world headed?
When I came back to Lancaster, I put my hypothesis to the test, and found it proven. I discovered that you all are utterly cheerless. None of the buildings on campus have lights AT ALL. What happened to the reindeers and sleighs made of lights? Hanukkah is literally two weeks away, and I have yet to see a single menorah. I’m absolutely baffled.
I had to rant about this. I remember the days of my childhood when I’d step outside and there were still colorful leaves on the trees, and they’d be wrapped in silver and gold mini lights. All the lampposts were wound in colorful ribbon, and no street was left without some sort of blowup mascot.That begs the question, where is your spirit?
It’s November, people! There’s no such thing as too early for decorations! I understand waiting until after Halloween, but come on. It’s getting too late at this point. Every single night since November 1st, I’ve added a new ornament to the Christmas tree in my living room. I’ve had Mariah Carey on loop in my earbuds walking to my classes, even on super warm days. If holiday music isn’t stuck in your head every waking minute, you’re not doing it right. I even had to buy two advent calendars, one for November and one for December, just to get all 60 days. They don’t even have 60 day advent calendars for sale! Even the holiday consumer market has been lacking lately. I have no choice but to deem holiday spirit DEAD. Didn’t anyone learn their lesson from Elf?
Ultimately, I’m ashamed and heartbroken. If we don’t get our act together soon, we might have to cancel December entirely and try again next year.
Junior Emily Hanson is the Arts and Leisure Editor. Her email is email@example.com.