Hello all. Despite my many prayers to various gods, it would appear that winter break is behind us. In an effort to distract myself from soul-crushing work, I decided to relive my extremely groovy, definitely real winter break days and share them with all of you.
First, I finished off last semester acing all my finals. I totally did NOT get the flu and miss the only final I had. Then I hopped on a private helicopter and was flown to New York City, where I live. During the ride I looked out the window and pitied the little people on Amtrak I saw suffering below me.
A day after arriving in the Big Apple (that’s what true New Yorkers call it), it was my birthday. Instead of recovering from the flu and eating cookies with my parents like a loser, a ball was thrown in my honor. It wasn’t all perfect, however, because my evil stepsister, Cinderella, showed up and stole the affections of the prince, even though she’s supposed to be poor.
A few days later I attended an NFL game. I watched from the warmth of a suite, instead of sitting in the cold and the rain like the rubes in the stands. My team, the Jets, definitely won (I say “my team” because my family owns them). The Jets would never lose. They’re so not notorious for losing. Overall a great game where the Jets played fantastically, and I definitely was not bitter in the slightest.
Then, for Christmas, I was with my entire extended family. We all get along so well. I don’t even know a single family that has quarrels. We were NOT in Staten Island, but rather a ski chalet in the beautiful snowy mountains of Switzerland. As for the presents I got, my true love sent to me twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree. My loved ones always know exactly what to get me and, naturally, money is no object, so I can get everything I want.
Then I headed back to Manhattan, and I absolutely did not have to work in an office where, for whatever reason, it was decided that I was the person best suited to lift forty-pound boxes, despite everyone else in the office being men twice my size. Could you imagine having to do WORK to get money? So sad. Since I DON’T have to participate in such pedestrian activities, and instead just receive unlimited funds from my parents, I went around town doing super fun things. I made many costly purchases, ate exclusively at Michelin star restaurants, and hooked up with several attractive fellows. Your envy must have you thinking I’m hyperbolizing, but I assure you this is totally, definitely what I did.
After I got bored with New York, as I do with all places, I flew on over to Beverly Hills where I attended the Golden Globes and won every award. I was totally not one of those people sitting at home watching it from TV because there was nothing else on. Then I stayed in the Hills for a while, doing whatever one does there. I definitely know what people do there because I’ve definitely been there, I just don’t want to make you more jealous than you already are.
And now I’m here, in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. My life now may not be as exhilarating as it has been over the past month, but at least I have spring break to look forward to. In March I will be going to some place so hip you haven’t even heard of it, so stay tuned for that.
Sophomore Carolyn South is a contributing writer. Her email is email@example.com.