By David Martin || Satirical Columnist

Photo courtesy of
Photo courtesy of

LANCASTER—“I pay sixty-f—ing-grand to go here” stated local Franklin and Marshall College student Ryan Fischer, as he justified to his friends why he had just made off with his BOS 200 textbook from the college bookstore.

Sources close to Fischer say he often cites the college’s tuition and fees as justification for exploiting the college and its various amenities. “It used to just be asking Sodexo workers for a water cup and then filling it with Coke, but this is the first time he’s actually stolen anything. It’s getting pretty out of hand” one friend later told reporters.

Another friend commented, “The bookstore’s lucky they don’t sell Vineyard Vines quarter zips. Or Patagonia quarter zips. Guy is obsessed with quarter zips.”

It was later discovered that Fischer actually receives around 30k in financial aid per year.

Senior David Martin is a satirical columnist. His email is