The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
Here at Franklin and Marshall College, an undergraduate institution located in Amish Country, Pennsylvania, we believe in pushing the envelope– especially when it comes to handing out academic achievements we aren’t technically qualified to! Sure, we don’t have a medical school, law school, or quite frankly any graduate school, but why would that stop us? If your uncle can be ordained as a minister ten minutes before you’re at the altar, what’s stopping the mighty Diplomats from handing out PhDs?
Franklin and Marshall’s President announced in an email to the student body that Jonathan Groff, F&M class of nothing, is a Lancaster native and will be awarded an Honorary Doctorate of Fine Arts at the 2025 Commencement ceremony.
Commencement will be nothing short of iconic– especially because Jonathan Groff himself will not actually be there! The ceremony will be held in the “Jonathan Groff Sports and Fitness Center” (renamed from the Alumni Sports and Fitness Center for the occasion) and feature a completely necessary two-hour showing of “Hamilton,” the musical Groff played King George III in.
Groff’s honorary degree has sparked much controversy across campus (no it hasn’t, no one reads their emails). Many faculty members (two) have raised concerns about the lack of academic achievement and “traditional F&M rigor” behind awarding this degree. In spite of this, F&M is already planning for its next honorary doctorate and, rumor has it, the shortlist includes the following:
- That overly dramatic tour guide (Honorary Doctorate of Campus Lore and Walking Backwards)
- That one alumni who still shows up to True Blue Weekend (Honorary Doctorate of “Roll Dips” and Duck Fickinson)
- Nick Yando (Honorary Doctorate of Rapid Email Response, Flyer Distribution Science, and Ampersand)
- That D3 athlete who tells you they could’ve gone D1 (Honorary Doctorate of Non-Humble Bragging and the Transfer Portal)
The administration (let’s be real, just Drew) continues to defend this program, stating that it’s not all about prestige or actual qualifications, but rather what truly matters: being a (rare) famous celebrity who’s actually from Lancaster, commenting “It’s not about what you know, but rather that you’re from Lanc!”
Roll Diploma(t)s!
First-Year Lavanya Seshasayee is the Sports Editor. Her email is lseshasa@fandm.edu.