The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.

About a week ago, rumors started spreading that TikTok would be shutting down. Again. I swear they release this rumor every six months to scare us, and it gets more embarrassing each time because we actually fall for it. Don’t get me wrong; the videos about it being shut down are hilarious, but in all reality, I think we would be fine if social media, in general, were banned. Some apps need to be taken away from people, including myself. 

TikTok should DEFINITELY be shut down, in my opinion. It has stopped so many of us from being the academic weapons that I know we are. I have embarrassingly been on TikTok for over 7 hours in one day, doing what?? I have no idea. Actually, I do. I was laughing at videos about procrastinating. Ironic right? The worst part is now we can online shop on TikTok. There’s always some promotion code. “Get 100% off on your 4 Summer Friday chapsticks with code: NEEDTOSTOPSPENDINGMONEYONDUMBSTUFF.” That’s why I don’t trust their shop, soooo I had my friend buy something for me and she risked it. It ended up being fine! So, I am guilty of scrolling through their online shop during class. Listen, don’t judge me. I know you do it too—even you, professors. 

Instagram is by far my favorite social media app, so it’s hard to say that it’s horrid. In my opinion, TikTok is not nearly as good as Instagram, especially because I LOVE Instagram reels. If you ever see me on my phone, I will most definitely hold in the biggest laugh over a reel. I think my most embarrassing moment at F&M has been having an Instagram reel play in class loudly. The app is also the best platform to live out your Pinterest aesthetic dream. I love stalking my own account just because everything seems to fit so well. I love looking at other people’s accounts, not because I am nosey (which I certainly am) but because I am looking for inspiration for my next post. Thank God Instagram does not have profile views, which TikTok does. I HATE that. Let me snoop and get inspo in peace! Maybe the app should be taken away from me actually. It would help reduce the already over 10 hours on social media alone and the comparing myself to others…oops, a little too personal. I know you do it too.  

The biggest evil is definitely Snapchat, or should I say the new dating app for some? I can write a whole book about how much I hate Snapchat for what it has become. What happened to sending funny filters to each other, funny videos?? Snapchat has become the app of “situationships,” and I am the most oblivious person, so I just recently found out what that word meant. I want Snapchat to go back to being casual; that’s how I use it, and that’s the best way to do it. Snapchat should NOT be the next dating app. People don’t ask for numbers anymore; they ask for your “snap.” That is incredibly embarrassing, BTW. The new Snapchat Premium is dumb, too. People are so incredibly worried about snap scores, if “his or hers went up in the past hour,” and what it means. Babes…your relationship is starting on Snapchat that is what you should actually be worried about. I mean, imagine telling your kids you met your significant other through Snapchat; oh, I’d pass out. I mean, I’m still going to use the app because nobody is going to stop me from sending Batman filter photos to people, but I do hate the app. 

And with that comes an end to my woes about social media usage. If only we could use all the energy spent on social media on solving real!! serious!! world problems!! like how to make my bed in a college twin bed. But here we are navigating the problem of situationships (and how it makes NO sense) and online shopping addictions…one Instagram reel at a time. I will definitely be embarrassed looking back at how strange all these apps are in my 80s, but by then, I will have a hard time remembering things. So here’s to not remembering how kinda horrid social media is.  

Freshman Paola Pardo is a Staff Writer. Her email is