By David Martin || Satirical Columnist

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LANCASTER—Franklin and Marshall College student Will Bradley was reportedly thrilled when College President Dan Porterfield posted on his Facebook wall last Tuesday for his birthday. “Happy Birthday Will — GO DIPS!” We found Will strutting though Hartman Green with a pep in his step and asked him for a comment on the momentous occasion: “I didn’t know President Porterfield considered us such close friends. I’ve met him a few times but I guess he really liked me. I oughta head down to his office later in the afternoon and tell him thanks. GO DIPS!”

Will apparently hasn’t found out that President Porterfield writes the exact same message on everyone’s Facebook wall on their birthday. His friends tried to explain it to him, but he wasn’t having it.

“President of Dipcon, grad school at Georgetown, then the Senate… who knows man.”

His friends also say he hasn’t been around much lately, hitting the library and hanging around Old Main, “absolutely delusional,” as one friend put it.

Columnist’s Note: Latest reports have it that Will was distraught yesterday afternoon when he saw a friend’s wall in which President Porterfield wrote a similar note.

Senior David Martin is a satirical columnist. His email is