[pullquote1 quotes=”true” align=”center”]Between disappointing remakes, troubling children’s flick, there is something not for everyone[/pullquote1]
It’s award-show season, a time for our best entertainment to be honored, our best films to be showcased, and our dear Anne Hathaway to deliver what are clearly unprepared, spur-of-the-moment speeches. However, as anyone who knows Alanna Koehler can tell you, we like to focus on the negative side of things here at The College Reporter, so it is that I present you the best of the worst. Ladies and gentlemen, here is your feature presentation: the worst movies of 2012. (Please turn off all cell phones while the feature is in progress.)
7. Red Dawn
Red Dawn opens with a sight familiar from the nightmares of those who endured the Cold War: an enemy from the East suddenly swoops down into a small town, terrorizing its citizens and making threats to our government. Those damn… North Koreans? Director Dan Bradley’s reboot of the 1984 Cold War action essential stars Thor’s Chris Hemsworth as the leader of a rag-tag guerilla militia that might just be our only hope. For all the shock and awe, seeing this movie minus all the unabashed jingoistic fervor is like digging into a pie without any filling. It just sort of collapses into a soppy mess on the plate, and you can’t really help but blame yourself for thinking it might have been a good idea in the first place.
6. Atlas Shrugged: Part II—The Strike
The gist of Atlas Shrugged: Part I was that a major industrial power had gone to Galt. The gist of Atlas Shrugged: Part II is that several major industrial powers have now gone to Galt. Surely that storyline didn’t demand two more hours, in what is already a rollicking joke of a series? Surely this is not such a lofty cause that you felt the artistic need to recast all the major roles after the first movie, especially considering these results are basically the same? And who is John Galt, already? The unfortunate part is Part II comes nowhere near close enough to drumming up the amount of necessary momentum.
5. The Oogieloves in The Big Balloon Adventure
Now, you may have just asked yourself, “what the fuck is an Oogielove?” And you are not alone. In fact, I would wager that out of all those hapless enough to wander into this movie, both of them are still pretty confused, too. From what I can gather, they are a trio of jaundice-afflicted human-puppet hybrids that need to rescue magic balloons from a volcano of bile, or the consequences will be, I am sure, manifold. Along the way, our, um, friends encounter Toni Braxton, new ways to sing and dance, and the worst opening weekend any movie has ever seen! I’m going to borrow from the Oogies’ favorite turns of phrase when I say it’s all really disturberific.
4. October Baby
A glance at the theatrical poster done up in soft pastels, a scan of the wholesome tagline — “Every life is beautiful” — and what we seem to have here is an angsty, coming-of-age, coming-into-yourself flick. Not so much. What we have, rather, is a joint pro-life propaganda/crazy teen hijinks movie in one little, unbelievably offensive package. We follow a teenage girl as she learns that, not only is she adopted, she is an “abortion survivor.” With her “platonic” (cue teen romance) friend, the (I’m pretty sure illegal) help of a sheriff and a nurse, and God’s good grace, she confronts the woman who tried to abort her in said woman’s place of work, like adults do.
3. That’s My Boy
When Vanilla Ice has all of the best lines in your movie, you know you’ve got a problem. But poor Adam Sandler didn’t read the stars — or, apparently, the script — before undertaking That’s My Boy. Sandler plays Donnie, who, after being sexually assaulted by his teacher as an eighth grader (haha?), finds himself a miniature and woefully unprepared father. Decades later, he tries to re-enter the life of his newly engaged son (Andy Samberg) in a bid for money. This whole, rip-roarin’ good time culminates with Sandler smashing a bottle of beer over the head of his son’s betrothed. Yep, that’s my boy. And he sucks.
2. Playing for Keeps
Playing for Keeps stars Gerard Butler as a washed-up soccer star on a quest for all of the clichés! He’s looking for the relationship with the adorable son he just never had time for. He’s looking to win back the only woman he ever wanted… but could never have. Oh, and he also spends quite a bit of time scoring off the soccer field, wink wink, seemingly unaware of how getting Item C might affect the eventual getting of Items A and B. Nevertheless, I’m just going to go ahead and say: It ends exactly how you think, and, what’s much worse, it has the nerve to actually begin at all.
1. A Thousand Words
It would seem that literally no one could put in a good word for A Thousand Words, Eddie Murphy’s most recent family flick, designed to punish people who would rather sit through another Eddie Murphy flick then spend time with their families. It literally has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, one that I cannot help but admire. Murphy plays a fast-talking, woefully rude literary agent. Little does he know, though, his verbose days are numbered. He somehow crosses paths with some bad joojoo, and for every word he says a leaf will fall off of a tree until that tree, and Eddie Murphy, are each no more. By the end, you almost wish we could all be that lucky.
Questions? Email Erin at firstname.lastname@example.org.