The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
It’s been about two months since Franklin & Marshall’s class of 2025 walked triumphantly across the ASFC stage to receive placeholder diplomas before picking up their actual ones. So, I thought it was time to answer a question that haunts nearly every undergraduate student at some point in their college careers: What happens next? Do you really get sent to a farm upstate? Is it a nice farm, at least?
I interviewed three of F&M’s recent graduates to see how–and what–they were doing. The first was Garrett Alexander, an astrophysics major and mathematics minor with an impressive 3.9 GPA. Immediately, my mind started guessing what he could be doing: working for NASA, for SpaceX, for some other science nonprofit organization doing increasingly pertinent research about colonizing other planets or something. The reality was…unexpected.
“I’ve just been rejected from both Walmart and Target,” he said over the phone, exasperation evident in his voice. “I’m living with my parents again, which doesn’t feel like a step back at all, and I spend hours every day on Indeed and LinkedIn applying for jobs I have no interest in with no success,” he explained rapidly with frustration. “But I’m okay,” he added after a few beats, “It could be worse.”
Next, I talked to Kate Murray, an English Literature and Dance double major. She filled me in on what she had been doing career-wise. “Right now, I’m working at Starbucks,” she said, her cheery demeanor slipping only slightly. “I’m living at home again, but I spend most of my time making sugary drinks for preteens and women who’d snap if I got their order wrong,” she continued, somehow maintaining her customer service voice and tight smile. “It’s fine though; it’s only been two months and in this economy…I’m glad I have a job at all.”
Finally, I spoke to Dirk Wellington, a business major who asked me to include that he played multiple sports during his time at F&M (“Roll Dips!” he added enthusiastically.) About his life post-graduation, he said, “I’m working at my dad’s company, and I’m moving up the ladder pretty fast. I kind of knew I would,” he told me, with the confident, relaxed demeanor of someone with a trust fund. “I live in a pretty nice apartment, which, honestly, my parents are helping me pay for. But the way things are going, I won’t need their help for long,” he added evenly.
Overall, it seems, it’s a time to be a Diplomat!