The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
We’ve all been there. It’s 2 a.m. on a Saturday, you were kicked out of Tellus at 1:30 (it is Amish country, after all), and after more than a few drinks, nothing sounds better than going to Waffle House. That’s where I found myself on one weekend in August. I ordered waffles, obviously, and as I was talking to my friends and trying to drink an adequate amount of water, three very familiar-looking men walked in. My first thought was: How drunk am I?
Once we established that everyone else also saw them, I couldn’t stop staring. In my defense, they were surrounded by cameramen and bodyguards; it’s not like they were subtle. I just felt like I knew too much about them to be normal about it. Joe Jonas very publicly fumbled Taylor Swift. Nick Jonas has type 1 diabetes. Kevin Jonas was there. It took everything in me not to start singing Year 3000, objectively one of the best songs of all time.
We watched as they took pictures with the staff, with their waffles, with the waffle hat gifted to them by the staff, and then filmed various TikToks. I laughed so hard I cried, drunk on the absurdity of what was happening in front of me. As I tried not to choke on my waffles, they got up from their corner table and strutted away with the confidence of millionaires still raking in royalties and fame from their Disney days, and the Waffle House was nearly empty again.
Haley Marshlick is the Onion Dip Section Editor. Her email is hmarshli@fandm.edu.