By Teagan Durkin || Contributing Writer

Are you sick and tired of having to set aside time for chewing and swallowing? Do you wish you could condense all the necessities of eating into one accessible, fast, multi-purpose dining supplement? Well, thanks to The College Reporter’s groundbreaking scientific research, now you can with the all-new Wonder Sludge!

Instead of wasting time enjoying your meal, you can consume all the necessary nutrients for a college student — coffee, protein drinks, and meal deal muffins from Blue Line Cafe — in a quick two-minute feeding frenzy! All the marvels of taste and texture are eliminated, and the dining experience is elevated into an unidentifiable sludge one can pour down their throat, thus saving time to dash to your next class! Forgo any hope of creating balanced, healthy eating habits in college, and surrender to the fact that vegetables and nutrition are an antiquated thing of the past. 

Stay tuned for our next groundbreaking discovery: anti-melatonin gummies. You’ll never need to sleep again!

Well, you will. But you won’t be able to, and by the time you realize how terribly sleep-deprived you actually are, hopefully, you’ll have graduated!

Teagan Durkin is a Contributing Writer for The College Reporter. Her email is

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