The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
Franklin and Marshall College welcomes the autumn season with open arms! As the weather took an unexpected turn this past week, turning previously sunny and mild days into frigid arctic miseries, it was time to take a moment and reflect on this beautiful changing of the seasons.
If you find yourself with a bit of free time and a desire to contract pneumonia, take a stroll through Hartman Green. Instead of people laying out their gingham picnic blankets for an outdoor “study session” that looks suspiciously like students scrolling through reel after reel and sipping lemonade, there are now only empty patches of dying brown grass. No longer do groups cheerfully gather after classes, the sound of babbling conversation and occasionally questionable music tastes drifting through the air. Silence, with only a sneeze or two, is the reigning sound. Where students once organized frisbee games while wearing tank tops and short-shorts, you’ll now spot lumps of coats and parkas waddling across the quad. Fear not; these lumps are not ill-tempered aliens seeking to steal our college mascot. There are actually students buried beneath those many, many clothing layers. To read the student pulse on the sudden dip in temperature and constant presence of drizzling storm clouds, we conducted some on the street interviews.
One student was asked if they were happy that they could finally wake up to the smell of mushy leaves lining the campus pathways and the sound of wet hacking coughs throughout the classrooms. This student’s response was to dump their beverage – hot coffee, as iced coffee season is dead – onto the interviewer’s boots. Looking down at the scorching caffeinated beverage soaking into their winter boots, the interview pondered what this could possibly mean. After careful consideration, and a quick trip to emergency services to treat the burns, it was deduced that this student was only mildly excited for the gloomy weather.
Blue Line, or the “Diplomatic Cafe” to those who favor a more pretentious name for our campus cafe, has also switched its menu for this lovely autumnal weather. One barista was interviewed on these changes. Once the barista had finished removing their various layers of scarves and parkas, they shared some new beverages and treats to look out for at Blue Line. The “It’s Beginning to Look a Latte Like Antarctica,” a mix of hot cocoa and chili peppers, captured what the barista described as, “A campus-wide desire for sunshine in the midst of this depressing cloudiness.” For a warm pastry, “Hope Yule Defrost By Winter Break,” a chocolate yule log with strawberry buttercream and gingerbread F&M students in various states of hypothermia, speaks to the current state of general frozenness that all F&M residents are experiencing.
Another student was questioned about their thoughts on F&M maintenance waiting so long to switch the air conditioning from summer cooling to winter heating. From personal experience, the arctic tundra vibe that all the college houses were attempting to achieve definitely succeeded. Icicles decorated all the common spaces, and a tuxedo of penguins waddled into Roschel for the holidays. Even when making an iced coffee in the dorms, no ice is needed. Simply leave the mug unattended for a moment and the whole cup will freeze to an ice cube. After giving the interviewer a choice hand gesture, this student responded that they were, “Overjoyed. Really bleeping overjoyed and so bleeping happy it took so long.” As always, F&M applauds how creatively descriptive its student body can be.
A final interviewee— a professor this time, who wisely insisted on remaining anonymous— regaled us interviewers for several minutes about utterly revolting the current weather was, and then ominously foretold that, “It’s going to get so much worse.” When questioned how they knew that the weather would be taking such a dip, the professor solemnly revealed that they had consulted their horoscope, read the Farmer’s Almanac from cover to cover, and had been studying soil samples in the area for nearly two decades that would foretell the average rainfall to snowfall each winter.
This professor also checked the weather app, too.
After they finished sharing their opinions, this professor wistfully stared into the distance. Perhaps they were admiring the mushy scenery covering the campus?
With such an enthusiastic response from all the students and faculty, Franklin and Marshall College is excited to welcome in this lovely, rainy, cloudy autumn! We can’t wait to see what winter will hold!
Sophomore Teagan Durkin is the Arts & Leisure Copy-Editor. Her email is email@example.com.