The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
It’s finally that time of year.
As Mean Girls so poignantly put it, Halloween is the one time of year that a certain group of individuals can dress in a particular manner and no one can say anything about it. Throughout the year, this certain group is policed for what they wear, and shamed for expressing themselves in an authentic manner. Only on October 31st can they finally don their true attire and embrace themselves as they really are.
On October 31st, all the finance bros may finally dress as they wish, and no one can say anything about it.
For those who also want to dress as a finance bro, or for a finance bro who has been dressing “normal” for so long that they’ve forgotten how to do it, here is a simple step-by-step guide on how to dress as a finance bro.
First, watch The Wolf of Wall Street. Although it’s unclear why this is such a defining moment for a finance bro, it is believed that anyone who hasn’t seen this movie can never be a true finance bro. It will also help with condemning women in society. As Margot Robbie is portrayed as being the ideal arm candy, now you will only want a woman who will let you cheat! Beautiful feminism in this film, far better than any other production starring Margot Robbie. For example, a movie about a certain blonde doll on a certain life-changing quest to determine purpose and celebrate womanhood. All of this will assist with your method acting approach to get into the mind of a finance bro.
Second, find a sleeveless vest. No sleeves are allowed, or you will be singled out and mocked for attempting to have thermally regulated arms. If your vest does have sleeves, you have no choice but to grab a pair of scissors and quickly slice off those offending strips of extra fabric. Vineyard Vines and Lululemon are some recommended brands for putting together this costume, but be careful. Each brand carries distinct meanings and nuanced connotations that other finance bros will immediately pick up on and attempt to decipher. Don’t be fooled. Although each piece of finance bro clothing may look completely identical, there are very subtle differences. These little differences mean everything.
Third, find an ill-fitting pair of khakis. These pants may not cover your ankles, which will inevitably be exposed as your loafers, in either brown or black, are not to be worn with socks. If you have a distinct tan line above your ankle from frequent golfing trips with other finance bros— a necessary extracurricular activity to solidify one’s identity— all the better. Once you have collected all of these costume components, you are ready to dress as a finance bro this Halloween! But please remember, merely wearing a costume will never make you a true finance bro. Make sure to carry a mansplaining attitude that bulldozes over anyone else who even mentions the words “stocks” or “economy,” as well as permanently raised eyebrows that mock anyone who doesn’t have such a passion for the markets and finance.
Sophomore Teagan Durkin is the Arts & Leisure Copy- Editor. Her email is firstname.lastname@example.org.
Photo courtesy of istockphoto.com