The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
Hey F&M! Is that seasonal depression kicking in? Dang, that’s too bad.
Here’s a midterm!
At Franklin & Marshall College, we pride ourselves in our rich mental health services.
Want to access them? Beg.
But don’t forget your 2,000 word midterm paper due tomorrow, six lab reports, and your mandatory notes for that class you’re totally “paying attention” in!
Considering focusing on your mental health? Better keep those grades up!
You wouldn’t want to lose that scholarship, now would you? What would your mom say? We’re sure she wouldn’t be too happy.
Bombed your midterm exam? Better luck next time! And next time is coming very soon—see you next Friday, kiddo! Study up! Or don’t.
While you ‘study,’ feel free to spend all day on TikTok and Instagram, wistfully stalking your ex having the time of their life in Malibu.
Ahh yes, piña coladas in hand, toes in the warm California sand, tanning lotion on stand-by… but wait!
Who’s that on their story? Oh boy! Their jawline is sharper than yours and they have curly hair! Double-trouble!
Feeling insecure? It’s okay, we’re sure your ex misses you. Maybe give them a call, or twenty–and leave a voice message! Better send a few texts, just in case their “phone was dead.”
Giving up on love and companionship? Join Tinder! There are plenty of fish in the sea, but you’re visiting the aquarium–pay up.
Not for guys under 6’0.
If all else fails, drop out! Break the chains!
–And the bank, because you have $80,000 in student loans and you’re Sallie Mae’s plaything.
Good luck with that, and remember what all this pain is for! Your dual degree in Dance and Theater!
I hear Starbucks is hiring, bucko! Chin up!
These are only the most precious and healthiest years of your life… better spend as much time as possible worrying about things you can’t control. I’m sure all your problems today will 100% matter in 20 years when you’re getting that divorce and you lose custody of the kids.
Screw you, hypothetical future ex-spouse of the reader!
And after all, everyday in Lancaster is a day in paradise! Buying milk from the Amish, getting cut-off in traffic by the Amish, longfully gazing upon the glorious beards of the Amish…
We also have a Turkey Hill gas station. Gobble Gobble!
Finally, pretend you’re not envious that Johns Hopkins waitlisted you by having your roommate pummel them in football. Take that, nerds!
I didn’t want to live in Baltimore anyway!
Roll Tide!–wait, wrong college. What’s our slogan again? Whatever, at least we’re not called “Dickinson.”
Until next time F&M, hang in there! You don’t have any other choice!
Go Dips! Or don’t.
Freshman Richie Dockery is a Staff Writer. His email is email@example.com.
Image courtesy of Ehud Neuhas via Unsplash