Ultimate Guide to Being a Good Taken Friend on Valentine’s Day!
Miss Guidance is the newest and most effective way to get advice on anything you need! Whether it be about school, friends, love life or the best washing machine on…
The Onion Dip: Missing Persons Report
By Anonymous Here ye, here ye, the Campus Cryer has an important announcement. The biggest scandal since 1564 is upon us… William Shakespeare is missing. Height: 6 foot Weight: Paper…
Who Needs the Music Program Anyways?
By Fiorella Comparini Donoso || Contributing Writer Due to the global pandemic, F&M has been scrounging for pennies recently. I knew things were going downhill when the upperclassmen told me…
Welcome to Water World
By Tess Fiumefreddo || Satirical Columnist Picture this: a hot, sunny day at Franklin & Marshall College. Birds are chirping, kids are laughing, and parents are sobbing over their children…
The Onion Dip: Student decides that his “Myrtle bod” has to wait until next year
By Kyle Huntzberry || Satirical Columnist Zach Jones, a sophomore BOS major and member of Greek life, was forced to forgo his quest for a “Myrtle bod” primarily because he…
In light of academic studies, financial benefits, llamas will soon replace public safety officers
By Kyle Huntzberry & David Martin || Satirical Columnists LANCASTER — Franklin & Marshall College, who is at the forefront of the need-based aid trend, caused a stir in the academic world…
The Onion Dip: Psychology major well aware that blacking out is a sign of depression
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER — Local F&M student and Psychology major Jeremy Park is well-aware that his alcoholic tendencies and overwhelming likelihood to black-out when he drinks is most…
The Onion Dip: Trump press conference gives shy student confidence to participate in class
By Kyle Huntzberry || Satirical Columnist Rick Whittaker, a junior at Franklin & Marshall College, is a ”shy, timid” kid who has been repeatedly approached by his professors about participating…
Student reconsiders future after college president posts on Facebook wall for birthday
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER—Franklin and Marshall College student Will Bradley was reportedly thrilled when College President Dan Porterfield posted on his Facebook wall last Tuesday for his…
The Onion Dip: Lack of snow this season frustrates local global warming denier
By Kyle Huntzberry || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER, PA— Herbie Henderson, a local Trump supporter and climate change skeptic, has been extremely disappointed with the lack of snowfall in Lancaster this…
The Onion Dip: Franklin & Marshall student really regrets jokingly voting for Trump
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER, PA— Crying profusely on the way to his first class on Wednesday morning, the guilt of jokingly voting for President-elect Donald Trump finally…
Student steals totally “dope” road sign for his dorm room
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER, PA — Sources report that Franklin and Marshall College Junior Brendan Brandonburger stole the “dopest” sign in hopes of adding it to his…
Trump supporter feels silenced at F&M’s recent Day of Dialogue
By Kyle Huntzberry || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER, PA— Matt Jones, a local Franklin & Marshall student, felt uncomfortable expressing his views at the campus’ recent Day of Dialogue. According to…
Donald Trump’s vocabulary, word choice wins over Bigley
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER, PA — “I never imagined I’d run for office,” Bigley chuckled, “That all changed, though, on the evening of September 26, 2016 during…
The Onion Dip: Nearing end of second term, President Obama having trouble delegating authority
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist WASHINGTON— While gardening is being commercialized alone, like growing monterey oak trees for sale, the POTUS takes it personally. Sources close to President Obama…