By David Martin || Satirical Columnist

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LANCASTER — Local F&M student and Psychology major Jeremy Park is well-aware that his alcoholic tendencies and overwhelming likelihood to black-out when he drinks is most likely a sign of severe depression. He recently learned this in his PSY308 psychopathology course with Professor Orescyn.

He has come to the realization that his major is making it much harder for him to ignore or make excuses for his life choices. This has been very frustrating for Jeremy: “I want to get hammered and have fun with my friends, but I can’t stop remembering things that I’ve learned in class about what that means for my mental state.”


“F*** that’s literally cognitive dissonance isn’t it.”

According to Google, cognitive dissonance is that state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially relating to behavioral decisions. So yes Jeremy, yes it is.

Unfortunately, this cognitive dissonance has pushed Jeremy further into a cycle of sadness and depression, causing him to drink even more.

His usual tactic of psychological repression isn’t working either, apparently: “I used to just to just push the bad thoughts down as far as possible, down to that little place in your head where all the bad thoughts go — to the right side of the prefrontal lobe corte —”

Jeremy cut himself off, then said: “I need to change majors.” 

Good luck Jeremy.

Senior David Martin is a satirical columnist. His email is