The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
I would like to preface this article by saying that, yes, I was that freak who walked around with a physical map the first few weeks (maybe months) at F&M. I was a peak freshman, but listen, some of these buildings look the same, and I’m also just bad at directions… Anyway, now I am very familiar with all the buildings after entering almost every building by accident. Let me just say I have some STRONG opinions on some of these buildings here at F&M.
Let’s start with the best building here by far, LSP. You can’t convince me otherwise. That building is heaven for nerds. I especially love LSP 142. God, aren’t those chairs so comfortable? I feel so awful for my professor as I am sleeping with my eyes open in those chairs every class. I mean, who can blame me? It’s 10 am?? It’s way too early to be sitting in a comfortable chair. If I wanted an uncomfortable chair, I’d go to Keiper…but let me save that for Keiper’s roast. LSP is just something else. It’s a beautiful building, and the lights aren’t as blinding as the lights in Hackman. The lab rooms are so nice. I feel happy being in a 5-hour lab doing absolutely God knows what. It makes me so happy to find the mean of some data when the lights aren’t bright and the chairs are comfortable. The food at LSP is also so underrated, and I am a gatekeeper of the fact that LSP has food.
Next… almost as good as LSP is Harris. I love that building SO MUCH—that random lounge area (you know which one) is so comfortable. I once walked in on someone taking a good nap on the couch there, and I get it. Harris makes me actually feel comfortable being surrounded by 30 baseball boys in a BOS class (if you know, you know). I also love how close it is to CC. Sometimes, when it’s too cold, I go through Harris to walk to CC for some warmth. Is that TMI? Maybe.
Next, Stager. Just the name alone pisses me off. I never know how to say the name, and I’m convinced we are all saying it wrong and have just accepted it, or at least I have. Stayger is mid. Some of the rooms are nice, but some of them clearly haven’t been cleaned in years. I also heard that Stager is extremely haunted. I see why… it’s always dark in there. At least the first floor is. I’ve never been to the second or third floor of Stager, and I never will because who am I to walk up two flights of stairs? I’m not built for that, and the stairs look incredibly steep. It’s too much for a class where there’s a 99% chance you and I don’t know what’s going on (still, big respect for the anthropology department). Stager is boring, let me move on.
I am tempted to place Hackman as last, but I just hate Keiper too much to let it not be last. Hackman is something else. I had a class there during my first semester here, and I will never again step foot in that building. I was lost every single time, and the bright lights did NOT help. I had a class on the 3rd floor, and those stairs are worse than the ones in Stager. I fell going down once, and I’m sorry, why are there SO many exits in Hackman?? Oh, I know why. It’s because everyone wants to leave that building the moment they enter it. It’s like the building itself is telling you to leave with an exit door every five seconds. The building is also just so ugly, no offense. It does not compare to the beauty that is LSP. It’s also hot in Hackman, and I don’t want to enter a heated room after going up flights of stairs. I want to enter the nice, cold, fresh air that Harris offers.
Last and definitely least is Keiper. I HATE Keiper with such a passion that I will divide my hatred into bullet points.
- The stairs in the building and outside: Why are there stairs inside and outside? What makes me more mad is when people crowd in the small space between the “front” door and the stairs. Like, move?? Then, when you walk in, you have to go up more stairs?? No way. They are so steep, and people never know the right direction to walk in when going up or down. We all need to collaborate and have a set direction, please.
- The heat and humidity: Keiper is humid, and I’m from Florida. I know what humidity is, and I don’t like it at all. I did not leave Florida for more humidity and heat. Everyone is also so tight in one room, and I can smell the Blue Line coffee in the breath of the person beside me. I wake up mad, knowing I will be hot in a classroom at Keiper, and it will probably smell like mold and coffee.
- The awful CHAIRS: Why on earth am I sitting in a weird pod? I feel like I’m going to slip off the chair with how oddly smooth the chairs are. Don’t even get me started on group discussions with those chairs. It becomes a game of bumper cars. Not to call this person out, so I’m sorry, but the guy who was next to me in one of my classes fell forward in those chairs. I felt so terrible as I watched his face get squashed by the weird carpet floors of Keiper. They are just such bad chairs that I’m willing to drag my dorm chair to class despite how far Keiper is.
As a side note, I love how nobody uses the actual front door of Keiper. We have accepted the side door as the main entrance.
Okay, I am done with this review. If a building was not mentioned, it’s because it’s irrelevant. I hope you now know how much I hate uncomfortable chairs and the use of stairs.
Freshman Paola Pardo is a Staff Writer. Her email is ppardo@fandm.edu.
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