This Just In: Cuffing Season Conflicts with J-Term
By Diana Lichtenstein || Satirical Columnist If you aren’t sitting down, please do, for I have some frightening news. According to Google, the cuffing season starts in October and ends…
Welcome to Water World
By Tess Fiumefreddo || Satirical Columnist Picture this: a hot, sunny day at Franklin & Marshall College. Birds are chirping, kids are laughing, and parents are sobbing over their children…
The Onion Dip: Silent Protest Quelled with Water Balloons Thrown from Old Main
KT Thomas || satirical Columnist Some say it was the overcast, chilly day. Others blame the stress of making it to class on time. But, inside sources state that the…
Onion Dip: American Families’ Ancient Thanksgiving Traditions Explored
By Kt Thomas || Satirical Columnist Every year it’s the same; you get out of bed at an unreasonable hour to appease your screaming parents, throw on the cleanest pair…
Onion Dip: Rates of Addiction Skyrocket in German Shepherds Following ‘Drug Detection Dog’ Training
By KT Thomas || Satirical Columnist We often consider the effects drugs have on mankind, but what happens when mankind’s best friend gets hooked? For years, Detection Dogs, otherwise known…
Onion Dip: Senior forgoes buying textbooks and puts saved money towards rehab he’ll eventually need postgrad
By Kt Thomas || Satirical Columnist If you’re wondering why every Brother of Chi Chi Chi fraternity’s back problems have disappeared, it’s because Senior Brother Bradley Herwood has started a…
Onion Dip: A Shakespearean quarrel breaks out in Lancaster when members of feuding dive bars hook up
By Kt Thomas || Satirical Columnist What they thought would be just another Friday night at a frat, blossomed into something much more, when Romeo Beeker spotted Juliet Levine from…
Male student refuses to wear bra until Trump is out of office as a form of feminist solidarity
By Kt Thomas || Satirical Columnist Life can be trying for women in today’s political climate. Feeling oppressed, silenced, and insignificant are all too common these day, which is…
Recent Philosophy grad burns diploma to in a statement to prove that he truly knows nothing
By KT Thomas || Satirical Columnist Recent Philosophy grad burns diploma in a statement to prove that he truly knows nothing Just moments after 500 caps soared into the air,…
Student worker makes the most of stagnant summer internship with online dating apps
By KT Thomas || Satirical Columnist During an interview about student involvement on campus over the summer, rising junior, Laura Johnson, was asked about her job in the Advancement office.…
Fraternity president denies accusations of sexism claiming he watches Comedy Central’s Broad City
By KT Thomas || Satirical Columnist In response to the rumors circulating campus, Fraternity president, Westwood Vanderbilt III, called a press conference on Wednesday in the middle of Hartman…
The Onion Dip: Student decides that his “Myrtle bod” has to wait until next year
By Kyle Huntzberry || Satirical Columnist Zach Jones, a sophomore BOS major and member of Greek life, was forced to forgo his quest for a “Myrtle bod” primarily because he…
In light of academic studies, financial benefits, llamas will soon replace public safety officers
By Kyle Huntzberry & David Martin || Satirical Columnists LANCASTER — Franklin & Marshall College, who is at the forefront of the need-based aid trend, caused a stir in the academic world…
The Onion Dip: Psychology major well aware that blacking out is a sign of depression
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER — Local F&M student and Psychology major Jeremy Park is well-aware that his alcoholic tendencies and overwhelming likelihood to black-out when he drinks is most…
The Onion Dip: Trump press conference gives shy student confidence to participate in class
By Kyle Huntzberry || Satirical Columnist Rick Whittaker, a junior at Franklin & Marshall College, is a ”shy, timid” kid who has been repeatedly approached by his professors about participating…