The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously. 

Starting college is a stressful experience that introduces a new stage of life: adulthood. Do you feel like you are going in totally blind? Look no further! The College Reporter is here with 10 tips to help you out. 

  1. Don’t waste money on flip-flops for the shower. The floors are spotless, no hair globs or clogged drains AT ALL. Unclog drains with reliable drain snakes.
  1. Ask your professors everytime you need to use the bathroom. Bonus points if you waive your arms frantically, interrupt their lecture and call them “Prof” 
  1. Bring a light sweater to the lofts. You will be shocked at how cold it is! In no circumstance will you be dripping in sweat while your shoes stick to the floor. 
  1. If you are hungry, take your roommates’ food. Everything on their side is yours too! 
  1. Take your time with laundry. Timer’s up and you’re not back? Don’t worry, someone will take care of it and fold it for you. I mean, you barely need detergent! My clothes always come out the color they were when I put them in, smelling fresh as a daisy. 
  1. Leave your toothbrush and toothpaste by the sink. No shower caddy needed! 
  1. Does the CC sushi fridge not feel cold? Take a bite and see if it tastes right! 
  1. Mystery meat at d-hall? Try it out! I always love to see the artistic flare in the chicken, almost like the colors of a sunset!
  1. Try to pick a new seat in class every day, change it up! 

Thinking of writing for the College Reporter? I would only consider it if you are a seasoned reporter with experience in companies such as The New York Times or those of a similar caliber.

Sophomore Anna Chiaradonna is the Campus Life Editor. Her email is