The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
Starting college is a stressful experience that introduces a new stage of life: adulthood. Do you feel like you are going in totally blind? Look no further! The College Reporter is here with 10 tips to help you out.
- Don’t waste money on flip-flops for the shower. The floors are spotless, no hair globs or clogged drains AT ALL. Unclog drains with reliable drain snakes.
- Ask your professors everytime you need to use the bathroom. Bonus points if you waive your arms frantically, interrupt their lecture and call them “Prof”
- Bring a light sweater to the lofts. You will be shocked at how cold it is! In no circumstance will you be dripping in sweat while your shoes stick to the floor.
- If you are hungry, take your roommates’ food. Everything on their side is yours too!
- Take your time with laundry. Timer’s up and you’re not back? Don’t worry, someone will take care of it and fold it for you. I mean, you barely need detergent! My clothes always come out the color they were when I put them in, smelling fresh as a daisy.
- Leave your toothbrush and toothpaste by the sink. No shower caddy needed!
- Does the CC sushi fridge not feel cold? Take a bite and see if it tastes right!
- Mystery meat at d-hall? Try it out! I always love to see the artistic flare in the chicken, almost like the colors of a sunset!
- Try to pick a new seat in class every day, change it up!
Thinking of writing for the College Reporter? I would only consider it if you are a seasoned reporter with experience in companies such as The New York Times or those of a similar caliber.
Sophomore Anna Chiaradonna is the Campus Life Editor. Her email is achiarad@fandm.edu.