By Sarah Nicell || News Editor
An anonymous source informed The College Reporter this week that F&M squirrels have enacted an elaborate plan to put more food in their trash cans.
The recent transferral of Blue Line Café into Sodexo’s jurisdiction has left Franklin & Marshall’s student population in an uproar. Multiple theories have been raised as to why such an unpopular event would occur, but no propositions have left the people satisfied. Did Blue Line run into seasonal staffing issues due to the pandemic, as the company claims? A likely story. Did Blue Line get sick of their customers throwing their trash into the compost bins and their compost into the trash cans? Maybe. Or did Sodexo bribe the café into getting rid of its soothing playlist and admirable smoothie collection in an effort to move toward world domination? Slightly more feasible. However, none of these claims quite justify the collective heartbreak felt by the entire vegan-mac-and-cheese-loving community. We needed better answers, and fortunately, a trustworthy informant came forward with the truth.
The only possible explanation, our source claims, is that the transition was beyond human control. Evidence leads us to believe that Blue Line’s previous owners were manipulated by Lancaster squirrels, just like the humans in the hit 2007 Pixar movie Ratatouille, except then it was rats, and now it is squirrels.
How could this be possible? you may ask. @squirrels_of_fandm on Instagram has led me to believe that F&M squirrels have our best interest at heart! They’re so cute!
Yes, yes, I hear you. While @squirrels_of_fandm provides us with quantitative evidence of their cuteness, I must inform you that these squirrels care for nothing but themselves. Here is the truth:
During the former era of Blue Line, the meals provided to our student body were, (according to popular opinion), the best on campus. Service was efficient, the music was both study and socializing-worthy, and the food could be consumed in its entirety without an instantaneous reactionary stomachache. As a result, the only Blue Line things entering Franklin & Marshall trash cans were plastic utensils and the occasional cold brew, a drink that squirrels presumably do not enjoy. How, then, could Lancaster squirrels enjoy the luxury of Baja Turkey, Buffalo Chicken Flatbreads, Berry Patch Smoothies, and Homefry Bowls? Understandably, they came to an agreement. In order to gain any satisfaction from the café’s existence, a transfer of power was necessary.
So, using their Remy-esque squirrel manipulation abilities, the squirrels forced Blue Line to surrender ownership to Sodexo. With a company as notorious as Sodexo, it was inevitable that more food would be thrown into campus trash cans. Even if the mac and cheese would decline in quality and portion size, the rodents could now indulge to their heart’s content. They could finally be free.
This also explains why Sodexo’s Blue Line has been using plastics rather than their typical compostable containers. Squirrels hate the environment. They are praying for human downfall. They do not have the brain cells to comprehend that this also means Squirrelian downfall. They are rodents.
Our source is undeniably accurate. We hope to update this article as the situation develops further.
*This article is entirely factual and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Nicell cannot handle the reality that Blue Line has been slightly altered forever.
Sarah Nicell is a sophomore and the News Editor for The College Reporter. Their email is firstname.lastname@example.org.
Photo courtesy of reddit.com